


Second Chances

by wth_am_i_writing



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Body Swap, Character Death, Deal with a Devil, Demons, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Empath, F/M, Ghosts, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Character Death, One-Sided Attraction, Platonic Sex, Platonic Soulmates, Referenced prostitution, Soul Bond, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, The first Chapter is in POV Second Person, The second chapter is in POV Third Person, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-09-30 06:01:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wth_am_i_writing/pseuds/wth_am_i_writing
Summary: If only you could turn back time. If only you’d done more. If only it’d been you.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr on October 25, 2014.
> 
> Original Author’s Note: This has been a long time in the making… Work and classes have kept me busy and exhausted, so I’ve been chipping at this slowly. There’s a second part but it’s not done yet. Hopefully I can get that part before an unreasonable amount of time passes… I haven’t exactly firmly decided the rest of the fic’s plot. Part 2 is structurally different from part 1 which is one reason I decided to post this before both parts were done. Because of this fic involves a female OC in addition to the reader character and the structure of the second part is different, I had to name the female characters. I don’t normally like naming my reader characters, but I kinda had to here. The reader character is named Aqua and the other female OC is named Angel. This is one of my darker pieces, probably in line with some of the PADoll fics. I’m honestly a bit worried that this is too dark;; I actually have a lot to say about this fic, but It’s better to leave that to another post… Anyway, thank you to @dragonfox13 for giving me feedback and putting up with my constant brainstorming as I was writing this monster. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys!

What laid beyond the door in front of you felt like the scariest thing in your life. Though you knew deep down that you’d faced much more dangerous situations, that you weren’t actually in any danger whatsoever, that what was behind the door shouldn’t be scary, you couldn’t help being afraid. Leo squeezed your hand tighter, shifting ever so slightly closer to you so your arms were brushing. You looked up at him, worry heavy in your eyes. He stared down at you, flecks of worry also in his eyes. He nudged you gently with his elbow, encouraging you to knock on N’s door.

“What if he doesn’t want to see me?” you whispered.

“We go home,” Leo answered just as quietly.

“Then let’s just go home,” you pleaded, tugging on Leo’s arm and inching backwards slightly. Leo shook his head, tugging you back into place.

“You need to face this head on,” Leo insisted.

“I-I don’t think I can,” you stuttered, your heart hammering in your chest. Your mind was reeling, going over the events of the last several months for what seemed to be the millionth time.

It had all started with a kiss. A single, sloppy, drunken kiss at a party neither of you should have been at. Why N had come went over your head–something about making sure you didn’t get into trouble, but you’d always managed fine at these things. Of course things went wrong the one time he had decided to go to a party with you. N had stuck to your side, nervous and protective after Leo disappeared to the back room. Annoyed by his unease, you had parked him on a couch, drinks in hand.

_“Loosen up_. _We’re here to have fun, right?”_

A kiss, a single kiss. A sloppy, drunken kiss.

_“We shouldn’t. What about Leo? I can’t do this to him. I can’t let you do this to him.”_

You remembered the words clearly. They had left you so confused, as objections involving Leo always did. He wasn’t your boyfriend and the only reason he’d gone to the party was to get a fix. You’d told N that Leo wasn’t something to worry about then tried to kiss him again.

_“Aqua, I have a girlfriend.”_

You had forgotten about her in your drunkenness, hell, you had always tried to forget about her. You didn’t like thinking about her, but she wasn’t something that you could ignore. You’d pulled away then, but the damage had already been done. He knew you liked him. He never mentioned the incident again, but that didn’t change the fact that he knew, nor had it made his glare less painful when your boyfriend yanked you off the couch and offered N a threesome. Leeteuk’s presence at the party had surprised you, and N had been so confused when you’d introduced Leeteuk as your boyfriend. He’d been even more angry that you went off with Leeteuk so easily, but you couldn’t deny him when he’d whispered that you could have some fun together in another room–you’d needed his connections and money too much.

N didn’t like Leeteuk, or the parties that Leeteuk went to, or the fact the Leeteuk liked to watch you with other men. You wished that N had never met Leeteuk that night. After they met, N started butting his head more into your business, checking after your safety. It had been sweet, endearing, but not necessary. You wished N hadn’t already been in a stable, long term relationship at that point. You would have dropped Leeteuk without a second thought if you’d even thought you had a chance with N. But N being N meant that his bleeding heart had been too big to let you continue as you’d been, and he’d gotten invested to the point that his _girlfriend_ was also dragged into the efforts to pull you–and Leo–out.

_“I just get a bad feeling about him.”_

Neither N nor his girlfriend had ever understood that you were just using Leeteuk–that fucking his friends had meant making men grovel at _your_ feet for once, that fucking Leeteuk had meant having all of your courses for that semester paid for, that putting up with a few rough nights had meant free flowing alcohol, access to parties, and good sex. They had never understood that part of what you did was for Leo, that they couldn’t define a relationship that was undefinable. They had never understood the core of you and it had only complicated things.

“You can,” Leo insisted, drawing you out of your memories. You looked at the door then back to Leo, feeling a bit faint.

“I can’t–” you argued but Leo squeezed your hand tighter.

“You can,” Leo said firmly. “I’m with you so you can.”

“I know you’re worried too,” you argued. Leo looked away from you, sighing deeply. He reached forward with his free hand and knocked on N’s door, effectively ending your resistance. Your heart felt like it was going to beat out of your chest. You wanted to run, but you knew Leo wouldn’t let you. Every second waiting for N to open the door was horrible. You kept flashing back, lack of distraction and the imminent threat of confrontation making it harder to stop.

_“Look, I can’t let you go with him tonight–I can’t just walk away from this.”_

N’s girlfriend Angel had been as much of a busybody as N. She had run into you with Leeteuk outside the convenience store near your building on her way home from N’s apartment. She’d overheard Leeteuk’s phone conversation about hooking you up with three other men for group sex and pulled you aside when he’d gone into the store for condoms.

_“Can’t you see how horrible this guy is for you? He’s whoring you out! He’s leading you down a path of destruction!”_

You’d been walking down that path long before you’d met Leeteuk, but you hadn’t expected her, or N, to understand that. N may have been the man you’d wanted, but you never suited him and never would. No amount of passionate conversation about books or music could ever make up for the fact that N had a shot at a bright future and you didn’t no matter how hard you tried. Leeteuk was headed the same way you were; he suited you.

_“I’m taking you home! I can’t let him do this to you. I can’t let you do this to **yourself**.”_

Somehow, things had turned physical. You had hated the way she’d been treating you, so maybe you had started it. You’d spilled into a side alley and had both landed a few good hits before you were jerked away. It had taken you a few seconds to realize that _Leeteuk_ had pulled you out of the fight, that _Leeteuk_ was roughing Angel up. The verbal attacks flying both ways had been so vicious, but she went quiet when he punched her in the jaw. By the time you’d realized that Leeteuk was punching hard, she was already bleeding. You’d rushed forward and tried to pull Leeteuk off, but he elbowed you in the face so hard that you were knocked to the ground. It had taken you too long to recover, too long to locate something to knock him out with. By the time Leeteuk was on the ground, there had already been too much blood.

You’d called emergency services. Leeteuk made it, Angel hadn’t. Open and shut case, though it’d taken you a few days to understand what had happened that night. Both you and Leeteuk had been drinking. Leeteuk had lost control of his anger when he overheard N’s girlfriend talk about forcing you to stop sleeping with his friends. He hadn’t wanted to lose an important piece of merchandise to serve up to his friends, hadn’t wanted to lose the money you were pulling in for him, had thought you’d be too scared or grateful to stop him.

The trial was finally over and Leeteuk was in jail, but everything was still falling apart. You had lived. N’s girlfriend hadn’t. Angel was dead because you hadn’t been fast enough.

_“You **let** her die.”_

The first and only words N had said to you since the fight.

You might as well have killed her yourself.

“What are you doing here?” You snapped your attention up upon hearing N’s voice. He was standing in the doorway, wearing sweats and looking ruffled and worse for wear. Having Leo by your side didn’t feel like it was enough; you had frozen, found it impossible to move or speak. You needed liquid strength to face N properly, but you knew that would only make him even angrier at you. “Well?” Leo bumped into your side, throwing you off balance and forcing you to unfreeze.

“I-I thought w-we could ta-talk,” you stuttered out. N sighed, expression scrunching into a sneer.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” he said, starting to close the door. Leo stepped forward and caught the door, preventing N from closing it.

“Let us in,” Leo demanded calmly, staring N down. After a few seconds N closed his eyes and sighed, moving back and opening the door for you. Leo nudged you forward and you cautiously entered N’s apartment.

“So?” N asked, once you were both inside and he’d closed the door behind Leo. He looked at you as if he genuinely didn’t want to talk to you. You fidgeted and Leo squeezed your hand. “What do you want to talk about?”

“That night,” you answered softly, anxiety overwhelming you.

“I already know what happened. I don’t need to hear it again,” N said roughly. His eyes were hard, filled with something akin to anger.

“I–that’s not–” you stuttered. You paused to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry,” you started again. “I’m sorry I couldn’t save her.”

“‘Sorry’ isn’t enough,” N snapped, causing you to shrink back slightly. “‘Sorry’ won’t bring her back. She was trying to _help_ you and ended up _dead_ for it.”

“I tried–” you started, but N cut you off.

“You let Leeteuk beat her half to death before even attempting to stop him. _You_. _Let. Him_ ,” N hissed, each word like a knife. “You _let_ him take her from me.” Your throat felt like it had closed up. You couldn’t argue with him, couldn’t _really_ defend yourself, because when it came down to what had happened, you _had_ let Leeteuk beat her, and when you realized how serious it was getting, you hadn’t been able to stop him, hadn’t fought hard enough to stop him. You wanted to cry, but you knew that would just make N angier.

“She’s still by your side,” Leo spoke up, shifting awkwardly beside you, catching you off guard. N’s attention snapped to Leo, anger burning brighter.

“She’s _dead_ ,” N hissed.

“Just because she’s dead, doesn’t mean she isn’t by your side,” Leo said calmly in the face of N’s anger. You squeezed Leo’s hand, wondering exactly what he was seeing.

“You’re trying to comfort me by telling me she’s haunting me?”

“I’d think she’d want you to know she was watching over you,” Leo explained, tone neutral even though you knew he was offering the information up in an attempt to pacify N somewhat.

“Ghosts aren’t real,” N bit out. “They’re just a part of your drug induced hallucinations.”

“He’s been sober since before that night–” you tried to defend Leo, but he squeezed your hand to get you to stop. “He–He wo-wouldn’t lie about something like that in a situation like this.” N shook his head, turning away slightly as he lifted his hands to cover his face.

“The two of you are nothing but trouble,” N said, tone a mixture of exhaustion, anger, frustration and grief. “I should have listened to you when you told me to not get too involved.” The words stabbed though you felt the same. “She had her whole life ahead of her. I can’t forgive you. I don’t even want to see you again.” You froze, hearing exactly what you’d feared you would. Of course you’d fucked everything up beyond repair. “Just get out already.” You stared at him, unable to move, feeling like tears were about to spill out. “Get _out!_ ” he shouted when you didn’t move for several seconds, startling a few tears from you.

Leo tugged you towards the door, but you couldn’t make your feet move. He jerked you more forcefully and you lost your balance, stumbling into him as more tears threatened to break free. It should’ve been you, but it hadn’t been. There _had_ to be a way to make it up to him, but nothing seemed good enough. You’d killed his lover, scarring him deeply. You’d hurt the man you’d loved. Leo tucked you under his arm and forcefully led you from N’s apartment. The ground under your feet felt unstable and everything outside seemed like a blur, the only surety you had coming from Leo’s forceful grip.

It wasn’t until Leo pressed a can of iced coffee into your hands that you became aware of your surroundings–a dirty, rundown street somewhere between where you and N lived. You stared down at the coffee can, noting vaguely that Leo had already opened it for you. You stayed still, staring at the can, down the opening into the darkness, wishing that darkness would just swallow you whole. Leo shook you, his arm still wrapped around your shoulder.

“Drink it,” he ordered softly. “ _Please_ ,” he pleaded when you didn’t move. You felt your hands start to tremble, fear creeping into your consciousness. “It feels like a thousand tons on my chest. I’m scared of what you’ll do to yourself.” You swallowed down the massive lump in your throat and took a deep breath. You released it slowly before lifting the can to your lips. Your fear eased slightly as you drank, but it did little for the weight on your heart. If Leo felt a thousand tons on his chest, then you felt ten thousand. It seemed like too much to function, but you forced yourself to for Leo’s sake. You didn’t lower the can until you’d finished it.

“He hates me.” The words came out as a hoarse whisper, shaking and unstable. “We shouldn’t have bothered him.”

“You needed to see him,” Leo tried to reassure you, but it did nothing to make you feel better. You’d been a worried mess since the night of the fight–your friend had died, the man you loved was angry at you, and your financial stability was gone. Leo had dragged you to N’s in hopes that _something_ would ease with the situation, but everything just seemed so much worse now.

“I need to make it up to them,” you murmured, stepping out of Leo’s hold to drop the empty coffee can into the trash can next to the vending machine he’d bought it from. “You really saw Angel in N’s apartment?” you asked, turning to look at Leo once you’d disposed of the can.

“She wasn’t happy to see us either,” Leo mumbled. “They’re feeding off each other’s anger.”

“You think he’s empathing?” you asked, almost breathless, searching Leo’s eyes. You knew roaming spirits with strong emotional ties to the world could twist the emotions of those around them, but the thought that Angel was so angry that she couldn’t move on left your stomach churning.

“I don’t think he realizes how much of her resentment for what happened is spilling over to him,” Leo answered. If N was taking on Angel’s anger, there was no real way to tease out his actual feelings. Empathing between individuals that independently shared the same feeling only served to amplify the emotion in both, something you’d experienced a number of times with Leo. Of course, the mechanics of the empathing between Angel and N had to be a bit different from you and Leo.

You and Leo weren’t wholly separate people, hadn’t been for years. You didn’t know how to describe your relationship with Leo, but you weren’t one or two. You just knew that you seemed to bleed together, could intertwine and meld together, to varying degrees depending on the situation. It meant that you empathed with each other, even if you were separated.

Angel’s and N’s empathing most likely had to do with the fact that Angel’s spirit didn’t have a body to contain it. A sufficiently emotional spirit could greatly affect its surroundings. Angel was angry, and it caused the angry fires in N to _rage_. But the intensity of their emotion didn’t mean anything; it was the fact that they were both angry over what you let happen to Angel. Their anger was feeding on each other’s, which meant that both of them had been independently angry with you.

“I need to make it up to them,” you repeated, your voice trembling. Yet you had no idea what you could do to appease them, not given the circumstances. “But I don’t think I can.”

“Give her time and she’ll forgive you,” Leo tried to comfort, moving in closer to you.

“I _ruined_ their lives,” you snapped, taking a step away from Leo, your voice breaking. “I wouldn’t forgive myself if I were them.”

“You’re a victim too,” Leo pressed, taking another step towards you and catching your shoulder. You shook your head, trying to turn away from him, but Leo wouldn’t let you. Tears started to well in your eyes again.

“I _wanted_ to do those things,” you insisted, hating how broken you sounded.

“It could’ve been you,” Leo said, sorrow filling his eyes.

“It _should’ve_ been me.” Leo pulled you into a tight hug. Even though he remained quiet, you could sense what he was thinking: he was glad it hadn’t been. You shifted, reaching up to gently push Leo away, but he trembled, his breath hitching, fear and something else you couldn’t quite identify flowing more strongly into you. You closed your hands into fists around Leo’s shirt, feeling as if your grip was pathetically weak, and let your tears break free so Leo wouldn’t have to cry.

“It hurts,” Leo breathed. “The idea of losing you, N’s rejection.” You gripped his shirt tighter, fighting how your trembles wanted to intensify with his words. “It hurts.” Of course it hurt him; he felt what you did. He was trying to be strong for you, but it had to be extremely difficult.

“I don’t know what to do,” you sobbed.

“Buy food and go home,” Leo answered shakily. He pulled back slightly, tears in his eyes, and kissed you on the forehead. “We’ll get through this.” You nodded, trying to reign in your tears. It didn’t work well, the tears feeling unstoppable once you let the dam break. Leo tucked you under his arm and guided you to the street. With each step, it seemed a little easier to stop the tears. You reached up to wipe the tears from your eyes when Leo tugged you around a corner and onto a busier main street.

Leo slowed his pace, no doubt looking for a convenience store or some other place that would allow you to grab food with minimum fuss. You glanced around absently, trying to get some bearing on your location. You recognized a few of the larger buildings in the area, but it was early evening and the crowds on the street were more than you were comfortable dealing with given the circumstances. It was easier to ignore the crowd if you were staring at the ground, so you dropped your gaze. Leo shuffled you over to a crosswalk, stopping a bit away from the edge of the sidewalk to wait for the light. You reached up to rub at your eyes again, trying to wipe away the residual tears.

Leo nudged you forward when the light changed, then paused at the other side. You glanced up at him to find that his gaze was flicking back and forth. You glanced around to find the source of his indecision–fast food just up the street or a convenience store on the other side of the four way intersection. You pressed your lips together, not really having a preference, not even really in the mood to eat, and looked down one of the side streets.

As you were bringing your gaze back around to Leo, you noticed that the corner shop had changed since the last time you were in the area–from a florist to a psychic and occult shop. You stared at the sign for a few seconds, vaguely wondering if a _psychic_ would have the answers you were searching for, would know how you could make it up to N.

“Something seems to be bothering you,” a deep voice called out. You looked down as Leo jerked slightly and stiffened, eyes falling on a young man approaching you. He was smiling very gently as he approached, ghosts of dimples on his cheeks. “You’re thinking about seeing a fortune teller about it.” A vague sense of apprehension of the man crept into the back of your mind, no doubt from Leo.

“Not really,” you dismissed, looking away as Leo tightened his arm around your shoulder.

“Maybe you should give it a try,” the man insisted as Leo started to move away from him. “I already have insights into your friend’s death that you don’t.” You froze, not expecting to have heard that from a stranger. Fear and apprehension filled you as the man stopped in front of you, Leo’s disposition growing more rigid and tense. “What happened was horrible and you want to make amends, right?”

“What do _you_ know?” you asked, a mix of shock and fear. By all means, the man shouldn’t have known _anything_. Leo had always insisted that true clairvoyance was rare, that most claiming the ability were frauds that used vague statements to weasel information out of people and give them a sense of authenticity. The fact that this man had come so close to the truth with his statements already was frightening.

“I know that if you’d tried to stop it sooner she would have escaped, but you wouldn’t have. The police wouldn’t have found you for a week.” Leo pulled you in closer to his side as he tried to tug you away from the man, his discomfort clear. You couldn’t bring yourself to move, though, your feet rooted to the spot in fear as you stared up into the man’s eyes.

“No matter how much I wish it’d happened differently, I can’t change what I did,” you bit out, feeling your tears welling up again. Leo tried to pull you away again, but you refused to move. “Unless you’re suggesting you can turn back time.”

“No,” the man said, his smile returning at the ridiculousness of the idea, sickly sweet and dimpled. “I can’t turn back time, but I can offer you a solution,” he offered. If he was the real deal, then maybe he _did_ have an answer. Anything at this point was worth a try, or at least worth hearing. Just as you opened your mouth to ask, Leo jerked you away onto the crosswalk.

“Not interested,” Leo practically growled, forcefully shuffling you across the crosswalk before the light turned and cutting off your eye contact with the man.

“What the hell?” you hissed once on the other side, hitting Leo on the chest. You turned to look back across the street but the man was already gone.

“Stay away from that fortune teller,” Leo warned, expression serious and eyes sharp.

“Why?” you snapped, pulling away from Leo just enough that you weren’t touching.

“He’s creepy,” Leo answered dismissively, grabbing your wrist and tugging you towards the convenience store. You’d give him that much, but you _knew_ that wasn’t his reason.

“He seems legit. If he has a solution–”

“It won’t be good,” Leo snapped. He paused for a second before continuing, “He’s no good.”

“I still want to hear his suggestion–” you protested.

“ _Stay_ away from him.” You stepped away from Leo, his eyes so piercing that it intimidated you. You could feel his fear and anger flaring in you.

“You’re afraid of him,” you murmured. Leo turned away from you, tugging you into the convenience store.

“Food then home,” Leo insisted, completely dismissing your words. You didn’t need his confirmation to know it was true. If whatever that man was messing with was enough to scare _Leo_ , then it only made you more interested in his solution.

Leo swooped up a shopping basket and tugged you through the aisles of the convenience store. He seemed to almost mindlessly pick out food, mostly sweets until he got to the pre-made sandwiches and breads. He grabbed two of your favorite sandwich and a few sweet breads. You knew the only thing he’d picked for you had been the sandwiches, everything else likely meant to serve as comfort food for _him_. That was one of the things you never quite got about him–at times like this, food was the furthest thing on your mind. There were more important things to be thinking about, like how to make it up to N. You didn’t even feel hungry. You let your gaze fall to the ground as you sunk back into your thoughts, back into the words N had said earlier and what the fortune teller’s solution could have been.

You barely noticed as Leo dragged you to the register then back out to the streets, sinking deeper into N’s words. Leo tucked you back under his arm and guided you towards home. Leo suddenly halted, rearing back slightly. You looked up in curiosity when you felt a bit of apprehension rise up. You understood immediately. You were only feet from the convenience store and the alley that the fight had occurred in.

“I’m sorry,” Leo mumbled, trying to tug you backwards. “Habit, I came this way without thinking.” You stayed rooted to the spot, starting at the mouth of the alley. “Let’s go the other way.” You shook your head, stepping forward. Though it was close to your home, you hadn’t been back to the ally or convenience store in a while. Both you and Leo had been trying to avoid it as best as possible, yet here you were.

“I need to face it sometime,” you whispered as you pulled away from Leo and approached the alley. Leo hovered just behind you as anxiety and fear surged within you. You stopped at the mouth of the alley and stared. Everything had been cleaned up long ago, but that didn’t stop the flickering memories of what everything looked like, how much blood there’d been, from overlaying what you were currently seeing. You took a tentative step forward before balking, an overwhelming sense of regret filling you up. If only you’d been a bit faster to react– Leo placed his hand on your shoulder, startling you. You turned to look at him and he searched your eyes. After a few seconds, he reached up and brushed away tears you hadn’t even realized you were crying.

“Let’s go home,” he insisted. You nodded, letting him take your hand and lead you the rest of the way home. He sent you up the stairs of your apartment building first then unlocked the door for you. As soon as the door was closed, Leo dropped the bag of food and pulled you in close, searching your eyes. Sensing what he was after, you nodded. He leaned in and kissed you, tentatively at first, then more fully. You leaned up into the kiss, wrapping your arms around him and pulling him tighter against you. You could feel Leo’s consciousness brushing against yours, a comforting force. Opening yourself as much as you could with just a kiss, you reached out towards Leo, letting everything mingle and wash over you.

“It’s not our fault,” Leo breathed, breaking the kiss. You fisted your hands around his shirt, hands trembling slightly.

“It’s mine,” you breathed back.

“You tired–”

“We try and try, but we aren’t getting anywhere,” you cut him off. All this time, you’d been trying to claw your way to a better life, better work, better friends–but everything was crumbling. With Leeteuk gone, you couldn’t afford to finish college and Leo’s wages could barely cover rent and food. What few friends you and Leo had had discarded you after Angel’s death–N’s because of fight and Leeteuk’s because you’d betrayed him. You’d fucked everything up.

“We’re doing what we have to to survive,” Leo insisted.

“I didn’t have to let Leeteuk beat her to death to survive,” you refuted. “It–it should have been me in the alley. Even the fortune teller–” Leo cut you off with a kiss, a resounding _no_ ringing through your entire being.

“I wish I knew what to do,” you whispered in unison when Leo broke the kiss. His voice was trembling just as much as yours and the feelings of loss in your chest intensified. “Everything hurts. The way forward is muddled.”

“But I need to make it up to them,” you continued alone.

“We need to move forward,” Leo objected.

“Not yet,” you insisted, leaning forward and kissing Leo again, deepening it quickly as you sunk into him. When you reached the limit of connection mere kissing could foster, Leo pressed flush against you. You squeezed him tighter, vaguely hoping you could melt into him completely. Leo broke the kiss, his lips fluttering against your cheek and down your neck.

“I need to be closer. This connection isn’t enough,” Leo said, breath hot and shaky against the curve of your neck.

“I don’t think mingling together will change anything…” you admitted, breath hitching. “Maybe it’ll help, but I don’t want to drag you down further than I already have.”

“I wish I knew what to do,” you murmured in unison again, Leo’s grip around your waist tightening until it was painful. You were both aching to meld together, to rip down the walls between your souls and let them linger together, touch, strengthen each other. Yet you also knew how dangerous it could be, how easy it’d be for your emotions to overwhelm Leo and pull him down.

“You aren’t alone,” Leo reminded you, nuzzling up your neck.

“I know,” you sighed.

“We’ll figure this out.” You stayed quiet, not so sure that you would. By the way that Leo caught your lips again, he must have sensed your doubt. He nudged you into the studio apartment, pausing after a few steps so both of you could stumble out of your shoes. You didn’t dare let go of him, too scared that your connection would weaken. At that very moment, you wanted nothing more than to join, disappear. For all you’d been trying yourself, it hadn’t been very successful the last few months. Maybe Leo could handle it better. That thought flitted away quickly, pushed away by memories of the last time Leo had broken down–had been almost catatonic for days over a breakup, binge eating and almost overdosing when he finally found the will to move again, hypersexual and needy–a push from Leo’s consciousness to remind you that it took both of you to be strong.

Leo’s knees hit the back of the bed and he sat down, pulling you into his lap. He was half hard, but the line had already been drawn. No more than this, no matter how badly you wanted it–at least, not yet. Not until you were more stable. Leo started to run his hands over your back and sides, coaxing you to relax a little more–a gentle tug so your consciousness bled more into his, to draw and focus your thoughts.

Everything had been rocky in the weeks leading up to the fight in the alley. Angel had taken an especially strong interest in getting you and Leo to clean up after she’d sussed out the fact that Leo had been sober enough to hold down more than one part-time job for two months. The extra income had helped tremendously, but Angel’s increased interest had left everything strained. There were days where it felt like she wanted to control your life, and she’d pressured N into chiding you on a few occasions. Sometimes it felt like her sense of functioning normally was drastically different from yours. Yet you _knew_ her heart had been in the right place, both hers and N’s. They just didn’t understand.

You broke the kiss, nuzzling into the crook of Leo’s neck.

“He was always good to me…” you mumbled, feeling small. “They both were.” Leo brought a hand up and caressed your hair. He remained silent, but you could still feel him, could almost hear his thoughts egging you on. “She was really annoying at times, and I may have wanted her out of the way, but I didn’t want this to happen. And now I’ve hurt N. I wouldn’t forgive myself if I were him. But I still feel like I need to make things up to them, after everything they’ve done.”

“But what _can_ we do?” you mumbled in unison with Leo. You felt tears welling up again. You felt so useless.

“It should have been me,” you continued after a few long moments. “Then we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

“I don’t think he’d be happier,” Leo comforted. “Just sad for a different reason.”

“It’d have been a weight off his shoulders,” you protested, even though you didn’t completely believe that.

“He never treated us like a burden,” Leo countered. You clung tighter to Leo. You knew that, but it certainly didn’t feel like that with the way N had been treating you since Angel died. You missed N’s smile, the way he would go beyond any expectations for help you’d ever had of him.

_“We’re going to grab lunch off campus, wanna come?”_ It’d only been days after you’d met him that he’d made the offer. It’d been just weeks into the new school year. You were still adjusting to Leo losing another job. Though you’d tried to keep up appearances as though nothing was wrong, your situation had been hard at that time. _“You can’t skip lunch. Come with us and you can pay me back later.”_ N’s offer of friendship had been the best thing to happen to you in a long time. He was someone that didn’t care if he got anything out of friendships and it’d been refreshing.

_“Aish, where is Leo in a situation like this? Your boyfriend is useless.”_ You’d known N for only a few months at the time, and from the moment he’d met Leo, he’d gotten it in his head that Leo was your boyfriend. You’d always denied it, but that never seemed to stop N. _“He lives here doesn’t he? Roll over and drink this, you’ll feel better. It’s a good thing I decided to bring you the notes today.”_ You’d taken the cold medicine he’d held out to you and downed it to ease his worry.

You’d told him you’d missed class that day because you’d caught a stomach bug, but you’d actually had a horrible hangover. Leo had been stranded at the party after Leeteuk had tucked you into a cab at some point after you blacked out. When Leo had finally gotten back, long after N had left, he drank the rest of the cold meds to take the edge off his crash. _“Math is your weakest subject, right? Once you’re well enough to get out of bed, we can study for the test in the library together.”_ That had been the day you’d realized N cared more about you than anyone else in your life besides Leo. N actually gave a damn about you and it had tugged at the strings in your heart.

Or at least he _had_ given a damn about you. You’d screwed that up.

Leo laid back on the bed when the tears spilled again, dragging you down with him. After a few moments like that, he rolled you over so he was on top and pulled back just enough that he could look in your eyes. He was searching for your will to go on. When you tried to look away from him and nuzzle back into his neck, he caught your lips, trying to reestablish your slowly fading connection. You kissed back, letting the feeling distract your mind. You wanted to drink so badly, to let alcohol shut everything up, to not care as much as you did. But you’d decided to quit drinking after what happened to Angel, had Leo toss out everything you’d had in the apartment and hadn’t touched anything since because you didn’t want to make the situation with N worse. Leo broke the kiss but didn’t pull back.

“Should we…” Leo trailed off, but your mind filled in the rest anyway.

“No… No sex,” you answered. “I–I–”

“Right,” Leo cut you off so you didn’t have to verbalize your discomfort with the idea.

“I think I’m ok for now,” you said.

“Mm,” Leo hummed, but you could tell he didn’t believe you. He could _feel_ you weren’t. Nevertheless, he rolled off you to lay next to you on the bed. He laced his fingers in yours and squeezed your hand tight, leaving a physical connection between the two of you. You stared up at the ceiling in silence, stewing in your own thoughts as you felt the deeper connection between you and Leo slowly return to normal.

After several minutes, Leo sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the bed, coming to a standing position. He fetched the bag of food he’d dropped by the door and returned to you quickly, crawling on the bed as he rustled through the bag. He pulled out a sandwich he’d gotten for you and unwrapped it enough to eat before holding it out to you. You wrinkled your nose at him as you propped yourself up on your elbows.

“It’s cold,” you complained, voice cracking unpleasantly. Leo looked down at the sandwich before taking a bite of it. As he chewed, he held the sandwich out, pressing it forward enough for it to brush your lips and making it clear that wasn’t a good enough excuse to not eat. Knowing he wouldn’t give up, you took a bite. Pleased, Leo pulled back and readjusted his sitting position before taking a second bite of the sandwich. He held it back out to you and waited for you to take it before starting to rustle through the bag again.

It was in Leo’s nature to feed and nurture. It was a trait that had gotten you through several hard times before. He didn’t seem to think much of sharing food, so you weren’t surprised when he pulled out his sweet bread and held it out to you. You shook your head in refusal, but he stared you down until you leaned in to take a bite. He seemed satisfied by that and brought the sweet bread back to bite into.

“Water…” Leo mumbled as you were finishing up your sandwich, eyes wide with realization. “You need water,” he said more firmly, crawling off the bed to get you a glass of water. When he returned, you took the glass and sipped at it slowly. You handed the glass back when you were done and Leo took it back to the kitchenette.

“We should try to sleep. Maybe it’ll clear your head,” Leo said as he returned to the bed. You glanced at the clock only to see that it was well after sunset now and flopped back without a word as Leo fetched the disheveled covers from the foot of the bed. You were tired from everything, but you weren’t sure you’d be able to sleep. “Just try,” Leo murmured as he went to cut the lights off. When he crawled back in bed, he made sure you were covered before laying back and lacing hands again.

You closed your eyes, but even as Leo’s breathing eventually slowed and evened out, you couldn’t fall asleep. You tried to clear your mind, but that failed horribly. It seemed like trying to stop thinking only made your thoughts louder, more persistent. Memories of how happy and relaxed N seemed with Angel, how strained things were the last few times you’d met him before her death were, how harsh his anger was earlier. It should have been you. _It should have been you._ The thoughts echoed and spiraled and intensified. No matter how much you tossed and turned or tried to clear the thoughts away, you couldn’t find rest.

It was getting to be too much so you sat up and looked around the darkness. The clock had insisted two hours had gone by, but it didn’t feel like it. You hugged yourself as you tried figure out what to do, what you _could_ do. You couldn’t keep sitting still, couldn’t keep doing _nothing_ even if you didn’t know _what_ to do. Something had to be better than nothing.

“Aqua?” Leo called out groggily, causing you to flinch in surprise. His hand came to rest over yours and you realized that you were clawing into your arms.

“I-I need to go,” you started, pausing to swallow around the lump in your throat. “G-get some fr-fresh air or m-maybe s-see N.” Leo shifted his grip to your arm, squeezing tightly. “M-maybe I can g-get him to tell me how to make things right.” Even though you couldn’t see Leo well in the darkness, you could _feel_ how he thought that was a bad idea. “I need–I can’t,” you swallowed the lump in your throat, “I can’t just lie here. I can’t just keep crying and d-doing nothing.”

“Just…” Leo started, voice tight. “Just come back.” You nodded with a hum and Leo’s grip on your arm loosened. You slipped out of bed, pacing the apartment for a few minutes as you tried to collect your thoughts enough to prepare to leave–wallet, shoes, keys, jacket. A vague sense of worry settled over your anxiety, but you pushed it aside as you stepped out of the apartment into the cool night air. You glanced around before locking the door behind you and going down to the street.

Taking a deep breath to brace yourself, you started towards the alley behind the convenience store. The night air was so still that everything felt surreal. Standing at the mouth of the alley didn’t diminish that. You moved forward, purposely avoiding where Angel’s body had been. When you’d reached where you’d been standing as Leeteuk beat her, you faced the mouth of the alley. You ran through everything you could remember of that night, looking for something you could have done differently. The only thing you could come up with was reacting sooner and fighting Leeteuk harder before he shoved you back.

Wiping away the tears that were starting to slip out, you took a deep breath and turned your thoughts to how to _fix_ this. Yet every idea fell flat. N didn’t want to see you anymore, didn’t want anything else to do with you. You let her die. It was your fault. It should have been you. Even the fortune teller–

The fortune teller.

You swallowed thickly. Leo had told you to stay away, but he had a solution. It was still worth at least hearing. You returned to the street and turned in the direction of the occult and psychic shop. You kept your pace brisk and zoned everything out as you walked. When you neared the shop, the door opened and the man from before stepped out. You slowed when he smiled at you, his dimples in clear view.

“I knew you’d be back,” the man said. You stopped in front of him, puffing yourself up as much as you could.

“You said you had a solution. I want to hear it,” you said as stably as you could muster. The man stared into your eyes, his smile static. He was more unsettling now than he’d been earlier in the day.

“Let’s talk inside,” he offered. He flattened himself against the open door and motioned for you to enter the shop first. You nodded, entering cautiously. The contents of the store weren’t too far off from what you expected–typical occult goods like ouija boards and seance materials, a book section, charms, gems and herbs. The door closed behind you with a soft bell ring.

“As I said before, I can’t turn back time,” the man started, so close behind you that you flinched and took a few more steps into the shop before turning to look at him. “But I can bring your friend back.”

“How?” you asked, seriously doubting him.

“Possession,” the man said simply. You stiffened at the proposition, eyes widening. “Let her take over your body. Share it with her.” You knew possession was possible, but it hadn’t crossed your mind at all. It was dangerous, and besides, Angel–

“That wouldn’t work,” you blurted out. “She hates me.”

“You’d be surprised what spirits put up with in order to get what they want,” the man insisted. “Your friend hasn’t moved on yet. She’s attached to someone still alive. Offer to share your body, and it’s likely she’ll accept.” You inched back, retreating into your head as you picked the idea apart. It _could_ work, but it wasn’t an ideal situation.

“The person she wants to be with hates me and he doesn’t even believe in ghosts,” you explained. “He’d think I’m crazy or on drugs.”

“That _is_ a tough situation, but I’m sure your friend will be able to come up with proof of her identity,” the man reassured.

“They don’t want anything to do with me. I’m the whole reason we’re even in this mess. It should have been me that died–” you broke off, eyes going wide at the thought that popped into your head. “What if… What if I _gave_ her my body? If, if I could trade places with her…” You looked the man in the eyes, tugging at your fingers anxiously. “I can’t go back in time to fix things, but if I gave up my body, then–” Then Angel and N could be together without worrying about you getting in the way. Then Angel could keep living. Then you’d be dead like you were supposed to be.

“It’s possible,” the man said, his expression turned serious.

“You can do it?” you asked, stepping towards him, your heart racing in anticipation.

“Yes. But you should think on it some more,” the man explained. “That isn’t something to just jump into.” You swallowed thickly, dropping your gaze to the floor. The man pulled a card from one of his pockets and held it out to you. “Come back when you’ve thought it over.” You took the card gingerly and looked it over. A business card, _Hongbin_ the only name at the top. You swallowed again and nodded, pocketing the card. You doubted N would care if you died at this point. It seemed like the only thing you _could_ do to make it up to them on your own. Angel getting your body–that was better for everyone involved.

“I’ll… talk to him,” you murmured, “See how bad he wants her back. See if he wants this.” You slipped past Hongbin and out the store. Stilling as the door fell shut behind you, you took a deep, shuddering breath. You didn’t even know if he’d talk to you again after earlier, but you had to try. The first step towards N’s apartment was the hardest, but once you’d forced that bit of momentum out, it didn’t take much thought to find yourself at N’s doorstep again.

The same anxiety that you’d felt earlier came over you. It made reaching out to knock feel almost impossible. The sense of worry in the back of your mind was also growing stronger, adding to the anxiety. Leo was no doubt growing more concerned longer you stayed out, but you couldn’t go back, couldn’t leave without hearing what you needed to do to make things right. You _had_ to knock on the door, _had_ to confirm this, _had_ to fix things. Gathering every last bit of courage you had, you pounded on the door.

The minute after knocking was nerve wracking, and the door opening wasn’t much better. N only opened the door a few inches, the chain in place. When he saw it was you, his tired expression instantly hardened.

“I told you I didn’t want to see you again,” N hissed at you before trying to close the door. You wedged your fingers into the opening and used all your strength to keep it open.

“I-it shouldn’t have been Angel in the a-alley,” you blurted out. “I’m sorry it wa-wasn’t me.” N’s resistance on the door eased and he stared at you, eyes slightly wide and searching. “B-but I want to make things right.”

“If you want to make it up to me, _leave_ and don’t come back,” N said firmly, starting to pull the door closed again. You started resisting again.

“I know you love her a lot, and h-how much I r-ruined everything,” you continued despite his disinterest. “I _need_ to make this right.”

“How?” N barked angrily. “I wish I’d made her spend the night. I wish you’d done everything you could have to _stop_ him,” he bit out. “But it’s not like we can turn back time and change what happened. You stood by and watched her get beaten to death. I don’t care what you wish you did in hindsight. You’d been fighting with her, and instead of helping your friend, you let her die.”

“It should’ve been me,” you breathed, feeling your strength leave you as you remembered what Hongbin had said when you first met him. If you’d resisted sooner, resisted harder, then Angel would still be alive. Leeteuk had been angry enough that you honestly believed he would have lashed out at you if you’d resisted more. Angel would have been able to escape when he turned his attention to you. It wasn’t like the world would miss _you_. Saving Angel could have been the one thing you’d done _right_ with your life. “I’m sorry.” N pursed his lips, eyes hardening. He didn’t say it, but you could tell he agreed. Hongbin’s offer seemed more and more like the only thing you could do to set things right. “I-if I could b-bring her back–”

“But you can’t,” N cut you off. “Leave or I’m calling the police.” You slid back, hands trembling. You _could_ bring her back. You _would_ bring her back. N pulled the door closed with a sharp tug. You stared at it for a few seconds before turning to leave.

Everything felt heavy and numb now that you were certain of your actions. The night chill had faded away and the steps back to Hongbin’s shop were a blur. As you approached the shop, an overwhelming sense of surrealness washed over you. The night was still, unusually quiet. The street had cleared, making it seem like you were the only person out that night. You stepped up to the door and tentatively tried the handle. The door opened easily and you stepped inside, searching the shop for Hongbin. You let the door fall closed behind you, the ring of it’s bell almost too loud in the silence. After a few moments, a door at the back of the shop opened and Hongbin stepped out. His expression was neutral, his gaze piercing.

“You’re back,” Hongbin stated simply.

“I’m ready,” you said, stepping closer to Hongbin. “I want to give Angel my body.”

“You’re sure?” Hongbin asked.

“Yes,” you answered firmly.

“It’ll be difficult to reverse,” Hongbin warned, straightening.

“Good.” You crossed the shop, stopping just a few feet from Hongbin. “What do I need to do?” Hongbin stared into your eyes, searching for something.

“Follow me. I need to make some preparations,” Hongbin said after a few moments, pulling the door behind him back open and leading you into a stairwell.

“What kind of preparations?” you asked, following him up the stairs.

“I need to call Angel’s spirit here. She’s with the man you went to speak with, right? With N,” Hongbin answered. You balked at his words.

“I didn’t tell you his name,” you said, spooked.

“You didn’t need to,” Hongbin said, stopping and turning to look down at you, a smile starting to tug on his lips. “I’ve known it for a while, just like I’ve known yours, Aqua.” You swallowed thickly. “I knew we’d meet before we actually did. It came to me in a dream.”

“Did you know what decision I’d make?” you asked, almost scared to hear the answer. Hongbin’s smile grew ever so slightly.

“My powers aren’t that good,” he explained, starting back up the stairs. You followed, your insides knotting together. “The whole process will take a few hours from start to finish,” he continued, reaching the top of the stairs and opening a second door. “At any point until Angel possesses your body, changing your mind will be easy. But after that… things will be difficult. Possible but difficult.”

“I won’t change my mind,” you reaffirmed, stepping through the door as Hongbin motioned you through. The second floor was an open apartment, scantily decorated save for a few tapestries on the walls, two bookshelves similar to the product shelves in the shop, and a few pieces of furniture.

“You’re awfully determined,” Hongbin commented, almost off handedly.

“It’s the least I can do for them,” you said, wandering further into the open living room.

“I wouldn’t say it’s the least,” Hongbin said, slipping past you when you stilled. He grabbed a wooden chair from the corner of the room and set it in front of you, looking into your eyes. “This N, he’s more than a friend to you.” You swallowed, looking away as you shuffled back and reached up to wrap your arms around yourself.

“I ruined things for him, for both of them,” you mumbled, not wanting to directly answer Hongbin. Hongbin shifted so he could look into your eyes again.

“You love him,” Hongbin stated. You stayed quiet, holding his stare. There was a horrible lump in your throat and you felt like a deer in headlights under his unreadable gaze.

“I didn’t want this,” you murmured.

“I believe you,” Hongbin said, reaching out and touching your shoulders gingerly. “No one ever wants to hurt the ones they love.” You swallowed, fighting hard to hold yourself together. “You should sit,” he instructed after a few painfully long moments. You nodded, stepping towards the chair. As you settled down, Hongbin fetched several candles from one of the bookshelves. He placed them on the wood floor around the room, outlining a large square. He lit the candles then started to draw a circle on the floor with chalk. When he was done, he stood and faced you.

“Once I start the ritual, any spirits that enter this square won’t be able to leave until it’s over,” he explained. “The process will take time. Once I’ve called Angel here, I will remove your soul from your body and she will be able to possess it. It will take a few hours for her to be able to fully use it as if it was her own, but everything will be done by morning.”

“What will happen to my spirit?” you asked.

“A reaper will whisk you off to wait to be reborn,” he answered, starting to walk towards you. “Essentially, you will die while your body continues to live. But doing this has certain _benefits_ ,” Hongbin explained, coming behind you. His fingers brushed along the side of your neck as he leaned down, lips close to your ear. “In a way, you get to live on. Angel can’t go back to her old life. She’ll pick up pieces of yours. You’ll get to be with the man you love–it won’t be your soul, but at least N’ll make love to your body.” You shuddered at the thought, finding it creepy. Hongbin’s fingers on your neck and his breath against your ear felt disgusting. That wasn’t what this was about. You were past gaining N’s affection. You just needed him to be happy.

“It’d be better if I was completely erased from existence, if he didn’t have to look at this face,” you murmured. Hongbin shifted, paused, then pulled back.

“I can make that happen,” Hongbin said, tone darkly serious. “I can’t remove you from everyone’s memories, nor can I change your body’s appearance, but I can make your soul cease to exist.”

“Then do it,” you ordered. Hongbin straightened, his hands coming to your shoulders.

“I’ll need to prepare a vessel to keep your soul until I can dispose of it,” Hongbin explained. “But that can wait until after the switch is made. It will take time.”

“When will you be able to do that?”

“Before the next new moon,” Hongbin answered, stepping away from you and walking around to the circle in front of you. He kneeled down in front of it, reaching out to touch the edge with his fingertips.

“I need you to picture Angel in your mind while I call out to her,” Hongbin instructed.

“Okay,” you mumbled, closing your eyes and picturing Angel. The room was completely silent for a few minutes, but the temperature slowly dropped to an uncomfortable chill.

“Angel,” Hongbin called out. “Can you hear my voice?” You swallowed, trying your best to picture Angel despite your mild anxiety about her refusing your offer. “I have an offer for you that you can’t refuse.” Hongbin fell silent for a few moments. “If you want to know, you’ll have to come. I know you’ll like it.” He fell silent again and the temperature in the room dipped a few more degrees.

“ _What is your offer?”_ a familiar voice asked, so faint it sound like nothing more than a whisper. You snapped your eyes open and swallowed. Angel’s spirit stood in the middle of the spell circle, directly in front of you, barely visible but unmistakably there. She was looking directly at you, expression set in an angry glare. Your guilt surged up again.

“A second chance,” Hongbin answered. Her gaze dropped to him.

“ _What?_ ” she asked.

“A second chance at life,” Hongbin answered. “Aqua wants to make amends for the circumstances around your death by giving you her body.”

_“Her body?_ ” she asked, looking up at you. You swallowed, straightening in your seat.

“Yes,” Hongbin answered. “She wants to reverse your situations.”

“It should have been me,” you blurted. Angel’s eyes narrowed at you.

_“What’s the catch?_ ” Angel asked, looking back down at Hongbin.

“There isn’t one,” Hongbin replied. Her brows knit as if she didn’t believe he was being truthful. “You get to take her body and use it as you please.” She glanced back at you before returning her gaze to Hongbin.

_“I can be with N again?”_

“Yes.”

_“An offer I can’t refuse…_ ” she trailed off. She was quiet in thought for a few moments. _“I accept.”_ It felt like a small weight lifted from your chest and you relaxed into the chair slightly. Hongbin stood and turned to you.

“Are you ready?” he asked you.

“Yes,” you answered, nodding. Hongbin closed the distance between you, stopping just in front of you. He reached down and tilted your chin up ever so slightly so you were looking into his eyes. He kneeled in front of you, drawing your attention down as you maintained his gaze.

“This will hurt,” he warned, his hand dropping from underneath your chin to your breast bone. He brushed the area with the tips of his fingers, still holding your gaze. You nodded, signaling that you were prepared. Hongbin pressed his fingers more firmly to your chest and his eyes flashed yellow. Pain flared in your chest as you felt his finger press into you and your world faded to black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was like a giant hole had opened in Leo’s chest. Something was terribly wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr on April 10, 2016.
> 
> Original Author’s Note: This only took me forever to finish…. and even then it’s not actually finished. There’s gonna be a third point eventually. I realized probably about 3 or 4K into this chapter that I was going to need another part to give this piece the justice it deserved. This part follows Leo and N, which is why I decided to separate the parts. It’s still pretty heavy and dark, so read at your own risk. I hope every enjoys!

Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong. Leo paced his kitchen worriedly, unsure of what to do. He’d been feeling an overwhelming depression since Aqua left the previous night–her influence over his emotions. She’d promised to come back, but she hadn’t. Until just a few minutes ago, everything had been oppressively heavy. A desire to disappear and die had washed over him so strongly, he had barely been able to move for hours. She’d been gone so long, been pushed to the edge, then–Nothing. Silence. His connection to her had been severed. It was like a hole had opened up inside him; instead of heavy depression, there was nothing. Something had happened, though Leo wasn’t entirely sure what, and it scared him more than anything.

If she’d died, he should have been able to sense her soul. If her soul had been shuffled away to await being reborn, he would have known. They were still connected–the sense of a hole inside him confirmed it, meant that the piece of his soul that he’d given her hadn’t returned to him. Yet he felt nothing. He wouldn’t be able to feel her soul if it was already on the other side, but he was sure that he would have felt anything leading up to crossing over–yet he’d felt no fear, just heavy depression and a twinge of anxiety.

In the event that something happened to Aqua, Leo’d always been confident that he’d be able to track her down using their connection. Now he wasn’t so sure that he could, and that thought terrified him. If her soul had been shattered–Leo stopped that line of thought. He didn’t _want_ that to be a possibility. He stilled, wrapping his arms around himself and swallowing the lump in his throat. If she’d committed suicide–there were a number of ways for her to do that so he wouldn’t be able to find her–

Leo sucked in a slow, trembling breath. He couldn’t just stay put. She obviously wasn’t coming home. He needed to look for her. He turned on his heel and fetched his wallet, keys, and phone from where he’d tossed them the previous night before crawling into bed, then tugged on a hoodie to fend off the early morning chill. Glancing over the apartment for anything he might need, he noticed Aqua’s phone on the nightstand, where it’d likely been since before their visit to N’s. Leo swallowed, debating whether to pocket it or not before deciding that it wouldn’t be particularly helpful given the circumstances.

He shoved his feet into his sneakers, forcing the shoes on and situating his feet properly as he closed the final distance to the door. The sun was just barely starting to rise, leaving the air chilly and the dim streets empty. When he made it to the street, he started towards the alley next to the closest convenience store. Aqua had said she might go to N’s, but Leo doubted that she would leave the alley alone after her reaction to it last night. It’d seemed like it had been sucking her in and holding her thoughts captive. Her reaction to the alley had been so intense that it’d left Leo uneasy. If there was any place to start searching it was there. Just maybe he’d be able to pick up on her emotional memories and get a hint about what happened.

As Leo neared the alley, his stomach started to knot. He slowed his pace slightly as he neared the mouth. Everything looked the same as it had yesterday, but everything felt more emotionally charged. A few feet into the alley, Leo stilled and closed his eyes, seeking for the emotions he and Aqua tied to the ally. He could remember the anger from the fight, the panic and fear after it started to go wrong, the regret and fear after Aqua realized Angel wasn’t going to make it. He’d been at work when it’d happened, had been restless because of it. When Aqua’s call finally came, he’d left work immediately–but those weren’t the memories he was searching for.

Something more fresh–last night–overwhelming guilt and regret. He felt his hands shaking at the memory. Leo opened his eyes and looked around. Aqua had come by herself, but he couldn’t differentiate the emotions associated with the alley from the first and second visit, he couldn’t tell where she’d gone or what she’d possibly been thinking. His only other lead was N–assuming she’d even made it to him.

-.-.-.-.-

The sky had brightened considerably by the time Leo’d made it to N’s front door, but it was still early enough that not many were out and about. He’d searched the alleyways closest to their apartment on the way over, but hadn’t seen any trace of Aqua. He’d stopped searching the alleys when he’d gotten to the more busy main street, figuring it wasn’t worth the energy to keep culling the side streets until he knew she’d actually gone to N’s. Leo hesitated to knock, his emotions knotting in his stomach. Given how vitriolic N had been yesterday, this wouldn’t be an easy encounter. But this was his only _real_ lead, and he was certain that N was the root cause of whatever _had_ happened to Aqua.

Leo sucked in a steadying breath and knocked hard and loud on the door. After a minute of no answer, Leo beat on the door again, longer this time. It was another minute before the locks on the door jangled and the door was wrenched open. By the sleep in N’s eyes, it was obvious that Leo had woken him up, but the tiredness there faded quickly as N realized just who was at his door.

“Why are you here? I told you I didn’t want to see you again,” N hissed, sleep quickly leaving his voice.

“Is Aqua here?” Leo asked, already sure that she wasn’t.

“ _No_ ,” N growled, starting to close the door.

“She didn’t come home,” Leo blurted out quickly. N paused, brows knitting together as he looked at Leo.

“It’s not my problem. I _don’t_ care,” N said after a beat.

“Something’s seriously wrong,” Leo continued, growing frustrated with N’s attitude. It was just as bad as he’d expected. “She said she’d come home after seeing you.”

“It’s not my problem–” N denied again, trying to shut the door. Leo snapped–slammed his arm on the door and forced it to stay open. He didn’t have patience for anyone with such little regard for Aqua’s life, nor could he stand for N to act so unlike himself. He needed to find her, needed N to wake up and realize how much of an asshole he was being.

“It’s your fault,” Leo growled. N stared up at him wide eyed, fear flashing in his eyes. Leo advanced upon N, using the other man’s fear to his advantage. N stumbled back into his apartment, seeming to think distance would be safe. Leo followed N, swinging the door closed behind him. He paused, the apartment feeling decidedly less full of malice than it had when he’d been there yesterday. He glanced around, his stomach knotting nastily when he realized Angel’s spirit wasn’t there. He closed the distance to N, speeding up when N tried to dart away and forcefully grabbing him by the forearm. He jerked N in close, using their height difference to his advantage and looming over N. “You’re coming with me to look.”

“Why should I?” N rebuttled, eyes wide in fear of what Leo might do to him and a slight tremble to his voice. “I don’t care what happens to her,” he reasserted, his voice stronger this time.

“She likes you,” Leo bit out. N narrowed his eyes, starting to try to squirm his way out of Leo’s grip.

“That’s even more reason _not_ to go,” N insisted. “I don’t want to give her false hope.” Leo shook N, his frustration mounting.

“She’ll _listen_ to you,” Leo hissed.

“And she won’t listen to you?” N spat back. “I don’t understand you at all. Why are you asking your competition to help you find her?”

“We aren’t like that,” Leo asserted.

“You sleep with her.” N’s words were hard, full of all the animosity he’d always had for Leo regarding his relationship with Aqua.

Leo didn’t have the energy correct N, couldn’t afford to waste what energy he did have, no matter how much the phrasing rubbed him wrong. N called it sex, but that wasn’t how and he and Aqua felt about it. It was a way for their souls to brush together so they could sort their emotions out, and masturbation felt like a more appropriate term when it wasn’t about emotional support. But N didn’t even want to believe spirits were real–it’d be wasted energy to try to explain something N would adamantly deny was real. Leo let out a heavy sigh instead, diverting his gaze away from N and shoving him away. He stepped away, lifting his hand up to run through his hair in pained frustration and desperation.

“She’d kill herself if she thought it’d make you happy.” The words came out tight, angry.

“You’re exaggerating,” N denied, startled and going on the defensive. Leo shook his head.

“She’s probably _already_ killed herself,” Leo snapped, glaring at N.

“You don’t _know_ that,” N continued to deny, angering Leo further. He wanted to scream that he knew because of the giant hole in his heart, but he knew N would use it to write him off. Leo closed the distance between them and grabbed N by his shirt collar, lifting him up slightly as he got in N’s face.

“Then come verify it,” Leo growled. He let N drop but didn’t give him a chance to protest before dragging him out the apartment door and down to the street. Once on the street, N wormed his way free of Leo’s grasp.

“Okay, okay, _fine_. I’ll look with you,” N said, exasperated. He smoothed out his shirt then gave Leo a displeased look. “Just let me change my clothes and get my wallet.” Leo sighed, looking away out over the street.

“Fine,” Leo agreed, grabbing N by his arm and leading him back up to his apartment. N tried to shake him off at the front door, but Leo refused to let him go until they were in N’s bedroom. N stumbled away and glared at Leo once he was finally free.

“Can’t I at least get some privacy to change?” N protested. Leo cocked an eyebrow at him, wondering if N really thought he was stupid enough to give N a chance to escape or call the police.

“We’re both guys,” Leo stated simply. N’s cheeks flushed slightly before he turned to his dresser, obviously ruffled. Leo suppressed a small laugh, N’s reaction surprisingly satisfying despite the situation, and turned his attention to the things around N’s room to at least give N that much privacy. It was more disheveled than the open kitchen and living room; clothes littered the floor and the bedside trash can was full of tissues–a sign of N’s own depression regarding Angel.

Leo glanced up at N just as he was pulling on a fresh shirt, noting the way his spine and ribs were ever so slightly protruded. He only let his eyes linger a second before turning his attention to the window and licking his lips, a knot of anxiety forming in his stomach. As much as he hated to admit it, Leo felt like everything around him was unstable. N was in as bad a mental state as he was, Angel’s ghost’s whereabouts were unknown, and Aqua’s well being was undetermined but likely poor. The uncertainty of the situation made him crave a fix to calm his nerves, but he knew deep down that letting himself relapse would ruin his chances of finding Aqua. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to find Aqua, though he’d try his damnedest.

He hadn’t felt _fear_ before her presence disappeared–just a vague anxiety–which meant whatever happened was either quick or happened by choice. Leo felt the latter was more plausible, but either way, Angel’s absence from the apartment didn’t comfort him. She seemed like she’d only be willing to move on when Aqua was _also_ dead.

“Uhm,” N spoke up, drawing Leo’s attention away from the window. “I’m ready.” Leo nodded before reaching out and grabbing N by the arm. He dragged him towards the front door, N struggling the whole way. Once they were back outside, he let go and waited for N to lock his front door then ushered him down the stairs.

“So, where do we start?” N asked when they reached the street again. Leo closed his eyes, attempting to to look back into his memory–his emotional memory–for where she might have gone. “Well?” Leo opened his eyes, his attempt a failure. Everything after her visit to the alley hadn’t been emotionally distinct enough.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“I can’t feel her.” N sighed in exasperation.

“Then where does she normally go?” N asked. “Is there a chance she’d go back to her parents?” Leo shook his head, eyes searching the area wildly for an idea of even just a direction to walk in. “Then where?”

“The bars,” Leo murmured when he spotted a beer ad on one of the billboards in the area. Even as he said it, he felt that it was a dead end. She’d promised she wouldn’t go drinking again; her vow to quit had been part of how she was going to make it up to N.

“Drinking?” N half groaned. “That shouldn’t surprise me.” Leo glared at N. “There’s at least three bars within walking distance.”

“Two near our apartment.”

“And more on the way,” N sighed. “Maybe she went home with someone.”

“No,” Leo said curtly, shaking his head. He would have known if she had. Emotions flared during sex and the pleasure was one of the things that was easily empathed between them. “Not now.”

“It’s not implausible. She was upset, she went drinking, she went home with a guy,” N elaborated. Leo stared at N, gaze sharpening as his annoyance mounted. “It’s not like it hasn’t happened before, right?” Leo’s patience snapped. He grabbed N’s shirt at the shoulder, jerking him in.

“She didn’t,” he denied sharply. N stared at him, clearly startled. Leo relaxed slightly, letting N’s sleeve go. “She wouldn’t. She hasn’t–” Leo paused, faltering for the right words, “–been in the mood.” N let out another exasperated sigh, looking out over the street. “She stopped drinking that night,” Leo continued after a beat. N looked back at Leo, eyes searching Leo to see if it were the truth.

“You think she relapsed,” N said, tone lilted enough that his words could be a question. Leo shook his head.

“I don’t know where else to start,” Leo clarified. “She wasn’t in the alley, and she wasn’t with you, and I can’t _feel_ her.” N sighed again, reaching up to run his hand through his hair.

“The nearest bar is just down the street. I’ve been there once or twice with her,” N said, letting his arm fall limply to his side. “I doubt they’re open now, but it won’t hurt to snoop around.” Leo stared at N for a few moments, before nodding.

“Lead the way.”

-.-.-.-.-

Leo had been able to see ghosts and other supernatural creatures for as long as he could remember. When he concentrated hard enough, he was able to shatter spirits and small demons in order to protect himself–something he’d done often as a child. Being able to see ghosts was something he’d shared with Aqua early on, and though she couldn’t see, she always believed him and liked hearing about what he could see. They used to go on ghost hunts in an old abandoned building a few streets over from their own building on nights that they didn’t want to go home. It was known for being haunted and the teens in the area liked to mess around there despite the fact that the property was off limits.

On one such visit when they were fourteen, Aqua had wandered ahead of him when he’d stopped to look at some new graffiti on the walls. Leo had never been worried about her going off on her own in the building because the spirits that congregated there were all relatively weak and she knew how to handle herself if she had any run-ins with any humans that wanted to pick a fight. He hadn’t expected a demon harvesting souls to be there in broad daylight. By the time he’d found Aqua, she had been caught in the demon’s trance and was halfway to the humanoid shadow in front of the window.

Leo had never been more scared in his life. He’d never come across a demon so strong before, had never been in a room so overcrowded with the souls of the dead, and Aqua kept walking forward even after he’d called out to her. He’d panicked, didn’t want the demon to take her away, so he’d unleashed every bit of strength he could in an effort to shatter the demon. The pained screams of the dead had filled the room as they broke into pieces, then silence.

Leo had rushed to Aqua’s side when she’d fallen to the floor and the demon fled. At first he’d thought she’d just fainted because of the spell she’d been under, but once he was by her side, he realized he’d shattered her soul too. He hadn’t known that he could do that to living creatures; he’d thought she’d be unharmed. The shards of her soul had scattered among those of ghosts the demon had been collecting. Leo’d spent the next hour gathering them up and piecing them back together–if he could destroy, he could also mend. Yet no matter how much he’d searched, he couldn’t find the final piece. The fuzzy orb of light he had cradled in hands–the core of her soul–had been missing a large sliver, and when he’d closed his eyes to visualize her spirit’s form, it had been like looking at a china doll with half its face chipped out.

He’d returned her soul to her body, but she’d been barely responsive and had a glassy, blank stare. It had left Leo terrified. She was the only person he felt like he could rely on, was the only person who seemed to understand what he was going through at home, and in trying to protect her, he’d literally broken her. Leo’d sat there crying for he didn’t know how long before he’d been able to come up with a solution–a crazy solution that he hadn’t been sure would work. He’d given her a piece of his own soul–or rather shared it with her, linking them together.

When Aqua had woken up, she couldn’t remember the demon or the time she’d spent barely responsive. She had been confused but hadn’t noticed any difference at all. At the time, Leo had been relieved, but as time went on, it became obvious that their situation had been permanently altered. Leo had always felt whole, but he supposed the pieces of his soul always craved to be reunited in the same body and that was what had driven the blurring of the line between them. They weren’t two separate people anymore, but they also weren’t one person. They just _were_.

Whatever happened to Aqua, she took her piece of Leo’s soul with her. It was obvious that part of his own soul was “missing”, yet he was still able to function fine. It gave him hope that she was still out there somewhere, despite the fact that the bars were turning out to be a dead end. The first three bars had turned up nothing, but a man from the fourth had thought he’d seen her at some point, just not _when_. They’d searched all of the surrounding alleyways, but there were no new leads. By the fifth bar it was clear that this was wasted effort, but Leo wasn’t sure what other approach to take.

“At this rate she’ll turn up before we make our way back to your place,” N sighed as they rounded to the back of the fifth bar, drawing Leo out of his thoughts. Leo pursed his lips. “If she did go drinking, she’ll probably go home when her hangover’s gone. And if she didn’t go drinking, she’ll come back when she clears her head.” Leo shook his head in disbelief.

“I don’t think she’ll come back,” Leo asserted.

“You used to pull disappearing acts on her all the time. She hasn’t even been gone twenty-four hours yet. Why are you so worried?” N asked, his expression twisting into disapproval towards Leo. Leo grit his teeth. Most times she had known where he was, and she’d been aware he was ok because of their connection.

“Why aren’t you more worried?” Leo snapped, coming to a still.

“What?” N asked, caught off guard by the question.

“You were friends. She went to see you. Couldn’t you see how close to the edge she was?” Leo continued sharply. N diverted his gaze, swallowing.

“She let Angel die,” N answered tightly.

“If Aqua had stopped him earlier and died instead of Angel, would you have blamed Angel for not saving Aqua?” Leo asked. N swallowed, clenching his jaw and dropping his gaze to the ground. “She was a victim too.”

“She didn’t help Angel because she’d been angry at her,” N countered.

“Under that logic, you aren’t so different,” Leo pointed out. N flinched at the harshness the words implied. “Except Aqua _did_ try to help.” N clenched his fists and remained silent for several moments.

“She _waited_ to help,” N finally spat out.

“She’d been drinking,” Leo countered, feeling his anger rising again. “She tried her best.”

“And it wasn’t enough!” N snapped, glaring at Leo. “If she hadn’t been drinking, if she hadn’t stayed with Leeteuk, then _none_ of this would have happened.” The words sliced at the last of Leo’s patience. He punched N before he even formed the conscious thought to do it, causing N to stumble into to the back wall of the bar.

“If Angel had backed off, then _none_ of this would have happened,” Leo hissed, crossing to N and gripping his shirt. He recognized this feeling, this anger. It was so similar to Aqua’s the night that Angel died. “You got yourselves involved this far, but don’t understand anything. You keep telling us what to do without thinking how it affects us.” N shoved back against Leo’s chest, anger burning in his eyes.

“And you never think about how your recklessness affects those around you!” N growled.

“We’re trying to survive!” Leo yelled, shoving N back against the bricks.

“By staying in abusive situations and doing drugs and prostitution?” N spat. Leo punched him again, reveling in the sound of impact. N reached up to his cheek as he recovered, gingerly touching it.

“Leeteuk paid her tuition,” Leo spat. N snapped his gaze back up to Leo’s.

“That doesn’t justify staying in a situation like that!” N asserted.

“College was her ticket out,” Leo hissed.

“Not with a guy like Leeteuk,” N hissed back.

“She had _one more semester_ ,” Leo growled, shaking N. “We’ve been trying our best, even if you don’t agree with the methods. She had control of the situation.”

“He was _using_ her,” N argued, grabbing at Leo’s arm in an attempt to get Leo to stop shaking him. “And he _killed_ to keep her.”

“You never try to understand.” Leo slammed N back against the wall, using all his strength to pin him in place.

“What is there to understand?!” N shouted.

“How much you _hurt_ Aqua,” Leo snarled. “Because of you, she thinks she should have died instead.” N stilled, clenching his jaw and pursing his lips. “She thinks that’s the only way you’ll be happy.” N swallowed, visibly shaken by Leo’s words. “Is that what you want?” N remained quiet, brows knit with some emotion Leo couldn’t read. Beyond frustrated, Leo shook N again.

“Nothing I did seemed to help Aqua. After Angel died because of her–” N finally said. “I just couldn’t do it anymore. I thought being harsh with her would help wake her up,” he admitted. “I wanted her to realize how reckless her actions have been.”

“She needed to hear it wasn’t her fault,” Leo grit out. N sucked in a shaky breath, closing his eyes and pressing back against the brick wall.

“Last night, she said she was sorry it hadn’t been her and that she wanted to make it right,” N said, voice unstable. Leo perked up at the words, stomach clenching nastily. “The thought that she’d actually try suicide never crossed my mind. I just wanted her to leave me alone. I still don’t think she would–”

“Tell me that when we find her,” Leo cut him off. “We’re wasting time.”

“Going from bar to bar is wasting time,” N countered. “She could have gone anywhere.” Leo released N and stepped back, mind reeling. If Aqua had wanted to die…

“Bridges, the river,” Leo mumbled to himself. He looked back at N and grabbed his arm, jerking him back towards the main street. “The bridge,” Leo said more firmly, referring to the nearest bridge over the river that ran through the city.

“You can’t die from jumping off that bridge,” N said exasperatedly. Leo knew N was right, but he was grasping at straws. He knew how Aqua had _felt_ all night long, but not what she’d been _thinking_. The bridge was his best redirect, so he stayed silent and continued dragging N back to the main street. The streets had grown crowded as the day went on, so Leo was forced to zigzag past people to continue moving as quickly as he’d wanted to. He felt like his feet couldn’t move fast enough. As they approached the intersection, the light for the crosswalk changed to cross. Leo breathed out a silent thanks, attempting to speed up.

“ _Leo_ ,” N called out sharply, jerking to a stop. Leo turned to look at N, only for N to start tugging him down the other street while pointing. “It’s Aqua!” Leo whipped his head up, searching the crowd for her familiar figure as N dragged him down the street.

“Where?” Leo asked, unable to pick her out, still unable to _feel_ her.

“She just came out of a convenience store. It looks like she’s headed to the subway,” N answered, tugging hard. As they neared the subway stairs, Leo spotted her rounding the railing to go down the stairs. Their eyes met for a brief second and Leo froze. Her eyes widened slightly in panic and she sped her decent down the stairs.

“It’s not her,” he mumbled, pulling N back.

“Huh?” N asked, whipping around to look at Leo, expression thoroughly confused.

“It’s not her,” Leo repeated, his stomach knotting nastily. It was Aqua’s body, but the soul inside was foreign.

“What are you talking about?” N asked in confusion, pulling on Leo’s arm more forcefully. “That’s _her_. That’s obviously _her_. We have to catch up to her.” Leo let N jerk him forward and pull him into a jog. By the time they were at the ticket stiles, she was on the other side, heading to the green line. They swiped their passes, steps speeding up to catch her. As they neared, she looked over her shoulder, spotting N, then Leo. She bolted towards the platform, looking absolutely terrified. Leo shook N off and gave chase, cursing internally when the platform came into view–there was a train loading people and Aqua ran inside, the doors closing behind her.

Leo came to a stop, watching the train leave the station, his stomach roiling with a mix of emotions. Aqua’s body was well, but the soul–

“What the hell,” N panted, coming to a stop beside Leo. “I didn’t think she’d run.” He stepped past Leo, up to the yellow tile at the edge of the platform, and looked at the direction the train had left in. “Maybe she didn’t want to speak to me,” he mused quietly. Leo shook his head, stepping up to N’s side.

“No,” he answered simply, staring at the sign on the wall opposite the tracks. It was more likely that not-Aqua was afraid of Leo.

“Do you have any idea where she might be heading to?” N asked, turning to Leo. Leo shook his head.

“We never use the green line.” N sighed, slumping.

“At least we know she’s alright,” N said, expression relieved. “I’m sure she’ll go home what she’s ready.” Leo clenched his fists and bit his lip, more certain than before that she wouldn’t return home. If her soul wasn’t in her body, then he needed to find it.

“That wasn’t her,” Leo stated firmly, stepping away from the edge of the platform.

“That was _Aqua_ ,” N said in exasperation.

“I’m going to keep searching,” Leo announced.

“Then do it alone,” N said sharply. Leo stilled. “We just saw her with our own eyes. She’s _fine_.”

“Fine,” Leo sighed heavily, jaw tight and full of tension. If he was looking for a spirit, then he needed to ask other spirits, and N would be absolutely uncooperative with that. It would be easier to continue alone. He forced himself to take a step forward, then another, and another, until he was back on the streets. He looked up and down the streets before heading back the way they’d come from earlier. There was a little girl that haunted a deli about a block away. It probably wasn’t the best lead, but it was a start.

-.-.-.-.-.-

N growled in exasperation as he watched Leo disappear up the station stairs. He just didn’t get Leo _at all_. Aqua was _alive_. Sure, she’d run away from them, but she was _alive_. She likely just needed some more time to sort out her emotions. He sighed, feeling his energy drain from his body. He headed towards benches and sunk down, gaze falling to the floor.

The look of fear in Aqua’s eyes when she saw him left him uneasy, but he couldn’t blame her for running after the way he’d been acting. Afterall, he _had_ said he never wanted to see her again. It was what he wanted. But he was starting to think his words and anger had been too harsh, much more harsh than he’d realized at the time. _She was a victim too_. Leo’s words kept ringing in the back of his head. As much as he hated to admit it, Leo was right. His anger had made him forget. Leeteuk had been hurting her, it was why he and Angel had been pushing her so hard to get out of the situation. He realized now that being so harsh with her was probably too much, but losing Angel had _hurt_. Her death was preventable, and he couldn’t bare to deal with Aqua after it.

He sighed, reaching up to rub his hands over his face. He truly never thought that Aqua would be the type of person that would commit suicide–she was strong and had survived so much. Leo’s worries had shaken him. He was never angry enough to wish death on Aqua, so the possibility of her committing suicide had shaken him deeply. Despite Leo’s worries, Aqua _was_ alive, and she’d run away from him. Maybe it was a sign that they could finally go their separate ways. He hoped so, desperately so. It was probably best for him and Aqua to go their separate ways for good. He didn’t want her dead, but he didn’t want to be forced to pick up her pieces. He still hadn’t picked up his own.

When the next train came, N stood and got on. He worked his way to a less crowded corner of the car and grabbed one of the support handles, the familiarity of the green line cars comforting in a strange way. Leo and Aqua may not have used the line often, but N did. Many of the places he’d frequented with Angel were on the green line. When he couldn’t take being alone anymore, he’d get on the train and go to the park. It was his and Angel’s favorite date spot, and though going there was it’s own sort of pain, he felt closer to her there.

Three stops after he got on, N got off. He didn’t have to think about how to get to the park from the station. The path was burned into his muscles. It was mid-afternoon and there was a number of kids playing in the park, but N ignored them, passing the large fountain and the decorative statues as he made his way towards the park overlook. He slowed as he neared the overlook, seeing a figure standing there. For a moment he thought about going to a different spot in the park to reminisce, but shook that thought off. It didn’t matter if there was someone else there–as long as he didn’t cry there was no reason to worry.

The closer he got to the overlook, the more familiar the figure at the overlook became–Aqua, it dawned on N. He balked, startled. She was the last person he’d expected to be here, but here she was. N forced himself to step forward. Maybe he would be able to convince her to finally go back home.

“Aqua,” N called out when he was only a few feet away. She turned to him, eyes lighting up, the fear from before absent.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” she said, a small smile on her lips and her tone calm. N’s brows knit together in confusion.

“You aren’t going to run away this time?” N asked tentatively.

“No,” she said, shaking her head. Her smile seemed to grow ever so slightly. “I knew that if I waited here long enough that you’d eventually come. I wasn’t running from you–just Leo.”

“How did you know I’d come here? And why do you want to talk to _me_?” N asked, stepping closer. Her demeanor was odd considering how she’d been the night before. “I told you I didn’t want to see you again.”

“Yet you came looking,” she said, amusement twinkling in her eyes. N narrowed his eyes. “Honestly, I didn’t expect you two would be together.”

“Leo forced me,” N said, clipped. “How did you know I’d come here?” She smirked and turned around, looking out at the park.

“It’s our special spot,” she answered. N shifted, suspicious of her words.

“We don’t _have_ a special spot,” N objected, words tight.

“I dragged you here after dinner on our first date,” she continued, as if N hadn’t interrupted her. Something was incredibly off about Aqua’s demeanor, and her words were causing his stomach to knot.

“We’ve _never_ been on a date,” N denied.

“You complained so much about not liking heights, but when you saw the fireflies, you didn’t really care that we were so high up,” she continued, ignoring N again. N snapped his mouth shut, recognizing the details of her story. “We always visited this place a few times during the summer.” She paused and took a ragged breath. “You’ve been… coming here a lot since I died, haven’t you?” N felt a chill go down his spine, almost afraid to hear the answer to his next question.

“W-what–What are you talking about?” She turned to face N fully, her feet scuffing the pebbles on the pavement.

“I know this sounds crazy, but N, please hear me out. I’m not Aqua. I’m Angel,” she said, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “She gave me her body so I can live.”

“That’s n-not possible,” N stuttered, stepping back in shock. “You’re high on drugs or something. Whatever idea you’ve formed in your head–it’s not true. Angel is _dead_. You can’t replace her.”

“I can’t replace myself. The only thing about me that’s dead is my body,” she said, taking a small step towards N. “This is _real_. Aqua gave me her body. She traded places with me, N.” Her tone and eyes were sure.

“This _isn’t real_ ,” N denied vehemently, turning to walk away. “You’re high or something. Go home before Leo worries himself to death.”

“It _is_ real,” she insisted, rushing forward and grabbing the back of N’s shirt. “We _have_ a second chance together.” N stilled, his stomach churning nastily.

“I don’t believe you,” N said firmly.

“I know it’s hard to believe, but this _is_ real,” she pressed. “I knew it’d be hard to convince you, that’s why I came here. We came here on our first date. The first time you told me that you loved me was on the bench here. The first time we made love was after we’d had a snowball fight at the bottom of the hill.” N stiffened with each word that passed her lips, his chest tightening painfully. Leo’s words from earlier echoed in the back of his head: _It’s not her_. If it really wasn’t Aqua, if Leo had been right, then–then–

“How do I know you’re really not Aqua?” N asked, feeling his doubt crumbling.

“Unless you told her about this place and what it meant to us, Aqua wouldn’t know,” Angel asserted.

“You’re really back?”

“My body’s different, but yeah, I’m really back.” N turned to face her hesitantly, still not completely sure. She looked up into his eyes, expression loving. “You don’t have to cry anymore.”

“She gave you her body…” N trailed off, hands coming to Aqua–No, _Angel’s_ –shoulders. Aqua’s words last night suddenly made more sense, held a completely different context. _If I could bring her back–_ and she had. “How–” he broke off, trying to figure out the best way to word the question. “How did she do this?”

“The demon at the psychic shop helped her.”

“Demon?” N asked shakily. He hadn’t ever believed in demons before, but if he was going to believe that Angel was really back, he was going to have to rethink his a _lot_ of his beliefs.

“Yes,” she said, sure. “He removed her soul from her body so I could possess it.” N swallowed, his mind reeling.

“P-possess…” N stuttered, trying to wrap his head around it all. “What if Aqua decides she wants her body back?”

“At the end of the month, this body will be mine permanently,” she continued, lifting her hand to cup N’s cheek. “We can be together without worrying.”

“What do you mean by ‘at the end of the month’?” N asked, grip tightening on her shoulders. “What if she changes her mind before then?”

“You don’t have to worry about Aqua changing her mind. She made a deal with the demon, and he’s not going to let her back out. But the demon said Leo can force me out of this body. That’s why I ran away,” Angel explained brushing her thumb across N’s cheek.

“He–he knew, that you weren’t Aqua, when he saw you,” N mumbled.

“He noticed me when he visited your apartment yesterday and stared me down. He’s almost as scary as the demon. I don’t know how he’ll react when he finds out,” she mumbled, stepping closer to N.

“We’ll have to tell him eventually. He’s desperate to find Aqua,” N said, his grip on her shoulders tightening again.

“That’s why he’s so scary,” she mumbled, dropping her gaze to N’s chest.

“Do you know what happened to Aqua?” N asked, biting his bottom lip as soon as the words were out.

“He put her soul into a jewel pendant. I don’t know what he plans to do with it, but he said he would make it so she couldn’t be reborn,” she admitted.

“Can’t be reborn?” N parroted, searching Angel’s eyes in hopes of finding concrete explanations.

“Right.”

“Would you have been reborn?” N asked.

“If I’d gone with the reapers, but I don’t want to be, not yet. I want to stay by your side until you die, so we can be reborn together,” she explained, wrapping her arms around N’s neck.

“Aqua won’t be able to be reborn?” he asked, piecing through the information piece by piece. He wrapped his arms around Angel and held her close, the feel of Aqua’s body in his arms awkward, small.

“That’s what the demon said.”

“You’re okay with that?” N asked, his voice shaky.

“It was her choice, N. And it benefitted us. Can’t you see that she gave us a second chance?” Angel answered. N squeezed her tighter. “I’m not going to miss this chance to continue being with you. I love you too much.” She pressed a kiss to N’s shoulder, something she’d done often in the past, and squeezed him tighter. “I don’t want to see you mourning for me anymore.”

“Oh God,” N whispered, sucking in a deep breath. He nuzzled into her hair, so overwhelmed that he felt like he was on the verge of tears. “I want to be with you.”

“I won’t go anywhere,” she soothed, starting to rub small circles on his shoulders. “Let’s go home, to your place. I’m hungry and exhausted, and you look like you are too.”

-.-.-.-.-.-

“Can I shower before we eat?” Angel asked as N put the convenience store dinners down on his dining table. N turned to her, glancing over her. It was _weird_ to have Aqua’s body inside his apartment after everything, even if he knew it wasn’t actually Aqua. “I don’t think Aqua showered last night. I’m starting to feel icky.”

“Yeah, of course,” N said.

“Do you have something I can change into?” she asked.

“I still have the set of loungewear you left here,” N answered. “I–I hadn’t gotten around to clearing out all of your things yet.”

“Oh, N,” she murmured, closing the distance between them and hugging him. N hesitated a moment before wrapping his arms around her as well. “You shouldn’t have ever had to worry about that.”

“I kept putting it off,” N mumbled.

“Well there’s no need to worry about that anymore, right?” she said, pulling back slightly and looking up at N.

“It still feels surreal,” N admitted.

“We’ll get used to it eventually.”

“Yeah…” N mumbled as she pulled back.

“I really do want to shower,” she said with a sheepish smile, an expression so unlike Aqua.

“Right, go ahead. I’ll get you a change of clothes,” N said and her smile turned sweet.

“Thank you, Dear,” she said, looking like she wanted to lean in again. She released N completely and padded off towards the shower room. N sighed, looking around his apartment. This still didn’t feel real.

-.-.-.-.-.-

“Aqua has a better body than I could have ever hoped to have,” Angel commented as she joined N at the table. While she was in the shower, he’d picked up around the apartment and set the food on the table. The t-shirt and sweatpants looked surprisingly loose on her–he’d known Aqua was thinner than Angel, but he hadn’t expected her to be _that_ much thinner. “But it doesn’t look like she was taking care of it. I can see her–my ribs.” N swallowed, straightening in his seat.

“I don’t think any of us have dealt with what happened very well,” N said weakly. Angel sighed, slumping in her chair.

“I suppose, but she’s always been reckless with her body,” Angel said, reaching for her chopsticks. “It’s something I intend to change, but who knows what health problems she’s left me with. I should probably go get tested for STDs and get a physical.”

“STDs?” N asked, caught off guard by the idea.

“Why are you surprised? She made money by having sex. Do you really think she used a condom every time? It’s better to be safe,” she explained, brow knit. The words were painfully Angel-like, but it was odd to hear them coming from Aqua’s mouth.

“No, you’re right. We don’t really know anything about Aqua’s health. It’s better to be safe,” N conceded. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, not particularly hungry at the moment. Perhaps he was too overwhelmed. “There’s a lot of things we’ll have to figure out.” Angel hummed, scarfing down her food. N watched her carefully, trying to make sense of what was in front of him.

“I plan to make the best of everything,” she said between bites. The mannerisms, the posture, the attitude, it all screamed Angel. She swallowed and looked up at N, concern in her eyes. “Why aren’t you eating?” N flushed and looked down.

“I’m–I’m just a bit overwhelmed, I guess. It’s still sinking in that you’re back. It’s odd to see Aqua acting so much like you,” N admitted. Angel straightened and put her chopsticks down. She reached across the table and took N’s hand, her touch gentle and soft.

“I know the situation isn’t perfect. I hate that I’m in her body too, but my desire to be with you outweighs that. We’ll adjust eventually,” she soothed.

“Right,” N mumbled, dropping his gaze to their hands.

“You should eat. You haven’t been taking care of yourself lately,” she pressed gently.

“You’re right,” N said, looking up at Angel. “You’re back now. I shouldn’t keep moping like you’re gone.” Angel smiled and pulled away. She picked up her chopsticks and N followed suit.

-.-.-.-.-.-

Angel stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom fussing with her hair, brows knit in annoyance.

“This fucking _hair_ ,” she hissed, in frustration. “It won’t do what I want it to.” She dropped the brush to the counter and buried her hands into her hair, ruffling it into a mess. N finished tugging on the tank top he usually slept in and crossed to Angel.

“Doing that won’t fix it either,” N said, delicately taking her wrists and lowering her hands to the counter. She pouted at him in the mirror and leaned back against his chest. He met her gaze in the mirror and his stomach flipped. The reflection in the mirror felt like some twisted dream, felt _wrong._ It shouldn’t have been Aqua pressing back against his chest with a pout so out of place on her face. But it _wasn’t_ Aqua. He had to keep reminding himself of that. This was Angel, and her pout had always been a weakness of his. This was _Angel_.

“I shouldn’t have let it air dry,” she pouted. “It’s totally uncooperative now.”

“You’re just being impatient,” N scolded mildly, reaching up to brush through her hair with his fingers. “You’ll learn how to manage it. But for now, just put it in a ponytail and come to bed.” Her pout deepened and he sighed. He dropped his hand to open one of the drawers and fished out one of her old hair ties. “Maybe it’ll cooperate better tomorrow,” N tried to sooth, pulling her hair back and tying it into a ponytail, reminding himself that this was _Angel_ , not Aqua.

“I hope so,” she said, turning around and wrapping her arms around his neck. She leaned up for a kiss and the kiss with Aqua at the party from months ago flashed across his memory. N jerked back, hands coming up to her shoulders and gently pressing her away. She looked up at him confused, her eyes searching his.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I–I don’t think I can do that yet. I-I’m still having a hard time separating that they _aren’t_ Aqua.” Angel pulled back, expression dark.

“That’s understandable,” she said, turning to look into the mirror, her expression just short of a glare. “I wouldn’t want to kiss her either, after everything. It’s just easier to for me to forget how I look right now, I suppose.”

“I’m sorry,” N repeated dumbly. He didn’t know what to say to ease this awkwardness.

“It’s just another thing we’ll have to get used to,” Angel said, reaching up to touch her face, her frown deepening. “As much as I want to just jump back into my life, I can’t do that at all. The person everyone sees is Aqua, and I hate the idea of people thinking I’m _her._ ” N bit his lip and looked away. “But I’m going to make the best out of this situation. Turn this life around.”

“And what about Leo?” N dared to ask. Angel stiffened. “We have to confront him sometime.”

“I’ll tell him the truth,” she sighed. “I can’t fool him. Maybe others, but not him.”

“I always thought he was drug addled or crazy, but he knew the moment he looked at you that something wasn’t right. And you said he saw you as a ghost?” N asked tentatively.

“He did,” she said, looking at N in the mirror and dropping her hand back to her side. “I told you, he saw me yesterday when he came with Aqua. He kept staring at me, and I just _knew_ he could hear me. I…” she trailed of, fidgeting with her hands. “I didn’t leave your side much after I ran away from the soul reaper. I was _so_ angry when they came to see you, I’m _still_ angry.” N swallowed dryly, reaching out to take Angel’s hand.

“Aqua gave up her body to give us another chance, isn’t that enough to forgive her?” N asked, Angel’s anger causing his stomach to churn. He could remember being just as angry that morning, but that anger felt so displaced now, after talking with Leo and seeing the lengths Aqua had gone.

“If she’d just listened to us in the first place, I wouldn’t have died,” Angel snapped, turning to look at N. “But she was so damned determined to keep going like she was. And then on top of it, she _let_ me die. This the _least_ she owes us.”

“We can’t make people follow our advice. I understand why they didn’t a little better after today,” N rebuttled. Angel reeled back, looking at N skeptically. “Leo’s been clean for weeks now, but he’s so agitated that I’m afraid he’ll relapse.”

“I can’t believe you’re worried about him. He’s going to want to drive me out of this body,” Angel hissed, attempting to jerk out of N’s grip.

“I won’t let him do that,” N growled, jerking Angel in close and catching her other arm. After everything and despite how _wrong_ it all felt, he didn’t want to lose Angel again. He could make this work, even if it meant putting Leo in the same situation N had been in earlier. “But I understand why he’d be upset.”

“Aqua wanted me to take her body, and I’ll damn well live a better life than she could have with it, no matter what Leo tries to do,” she hissed. “I’m not going to let him drag me down like he did to Aqua.” N swallowed, staring down into Angel’s eyes. His grip on her was so tight he was trembling. Aqua’s desperate expression from the night before kept flickering in his mind– _If I could bring her back–_

“Can he really force you out of that body?” N asked carefully, his stomach tying itself in knots.

“Yes,” Angel said with surety. “The demon said I should avoid Leo, because he would be able to force me out.”

“I’ll do what I can to keep him from doing that,” he promised. Angel’s expression softened and she stepped in close to N. He let her, hugging her back when she wrapped her arms around his waist.

“Thank you.”

-.-.-.-.-.-

The spirit of a middle-aged man raised his arm and pointed down the street. Leo followed the line of sight and felt his stomach roiling. The sun had almost completely disappeared over the horizon and the streets were still busy, but there was no mistaking what the spirit was pointing at–the psychic shop across the street.

“Are you sure?” Leo asked, turning back to the spirit. The spirit nodded and turned away, fading away into a ball of light. Leo clenched his fists in an attempt to calm his trembling. This was worse than he’d expected. He should have known that Aqua wouldn’t listen to him given the state she was in. He should have thought of that first–perhaps he would have been quick enough to have caught her body.

Ever since the incident when they were young, Leo had taken to avoiding demons. He’d always assumed that Aqua would share the same distaste for them given their connection, but the demon from yesterday had swept her away without Leo even noticing. He should have been explicit in his warnings. He should have told her that the psychic was a demon with ulterior motives, but with how broken Aqua had felt, he couldn’t have been confident she’d have listened to him. The hole in his chest made a bit more sense now, but the cause was more troublesome than he imagined. He had his first concrete lead, yet it was little comfort. Leo sucked in a deep breath and cleared his mind, steeling himself. He knew where to look now and he wasn’t going to let fear and regret deter him.

Leo turned towards the intersection, gaze fixed on the psychic shop. The crosswalk light turned green a few seconds after he reached it and he crossed the street with brisk steps, fists still clenched in an attempt to ground himself. The atmosphere seemed to grow heavier the closer he got to the shop, but he pressed forward. Just a few feet from the door the air felt charged, like a barrier. The sign on the shop door read _open_ , but the door wouldn’t budge. Leo gave the door several good shakes before switching to banging on the door.

The barrier pushed back on Leo, almost electric in its rejection of his presence. He glared at the door as he struck the door again. The barrier flared, zapping Leo in warning. He growled, gathering his energy in anger to lash out against the barrier–if he put everything into it, he might be able to break through the barrier and force the door open. The demon obviously didn’t want him to go in, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. There was giggling behind him as what sounded like two teenage girls passed by, snapping Leo out of his focus on the door.

He stepped back, taking a deep breath to calm himself, fists clenched so tightly that his nails were starting to dig into his palms. Now wasn’t the time for such a stunt–it was still too crowded and he was poor at controlling his energy attacks. He took another step back, glaring at the door. As much as he hated the idea, he’d have to come back later. If he could find find a way to get in with using his energy, it would be better, but he doubted he could manage it himself. If he pushed enough, maybe he could convince N to go inside. He turned on his heel, headed in the direction of N’s apartment.

-.-.-.-.-.-

It took a few minutes of pounding for N’s door to crack open. N peeked at Leo with leary, sleep heavy eyes.

“What do you want now?” N asked gruffly. Leo attempted to push the door open but it didn’t budge. “What do you want?” N repeated, eyes narrowing.

“I found a lead,” Leo said, clipped. “Can we talk inside?”

“I’m done looking. We saw her earlier. Just–wait for her to come home,” N said, tone tight and guarded.

“Please,” Leo pressed. “This can help find why she–”

“I’m done–” N asserted, breaking off mid sentence when a soft voice from inside the apartment interrupted.

“N, he’s here, isn’t he?” Leo just barely caught. His blood ran cold. He recognized that voice. N attempted to shut the door, but Leo threw his entire body weight onto the door. N kept pushing, but as soon as Leo got an arm through the door it was over. Leo shoved N back and pushed the door open. Not-Aqua was standing near the door to N’s room in a too baggy t-shirt and sweatpants, eyes more alert than N’s had been a minute ago. She straightened, hands clenching into fists. Leo’s jaw went slack in disbelief, his mind trying to catch up with what this all meant.

“Leo–” Hearing his name come out of N’s mouth caused him to snap–he’d punched N before he could put more than a fraction of a second’s thought into it. N reeled back, hands going to his cheek. “ _Fuck_ ,” N hissed, “Stop punching me.”

“ _You lied_ ,” Leo hissed back, shaking out his hand. He had half a mind to punch N again. “How long have you been lying?”

“I haven’t been lying–”

“You know as well as I do that Aqua won’t come home,” Leo hissed, cutting N off again. N shrunk back, putting himself between Leo and Not-Aqua.

“I would have come back eventually,” Not-Aqua said, drawing Leo’s glare.

“You _aren’t_ Aqua,” Leo growled, stepping forward. N was quick to step forward, hands held up in a pacifying gesture that only pissed Leo off more. “You _stole_ her body.”

“She _gave_ it to me,” Not-Aqua hissed. “She offered it to me and I accepted.” Leo took another step forward and N pressed back against his chest in warning. “N didn’t know I was Angel until he found me at the park after you split up.” Leo tried to go around N, but the shorter man kept corralling him back.

“Give her back her body,” Leo growled, deciding to plow through N if he had to. N held his ground.

“It was _Aqua’s_ decision,” Angel said, tone harsh. Leo growled in anger. He attempted to move forward again, but N kept pushing back. “She gave me a second chance at life, and I intend to take it, just like she wanted me to.”

“It’s not _right_ ,” Leo hissed.

“Aqua standing by as I got beaten to death _wasn’t right_ ,” Angel spat back, crossing her arms over her chest. “Didn’t she give me her body because she knew that? Shouldn’t you respect her decision on this matter?”

“She committed _suicide_ ,” Leo roared, voice breaking as everything overwhelmed him. N faltered, allowing Leo to push a few steps closer to Angel. She scrambled away as far she could manage before N regained himself, bracing himself so they didn’t budge.

“She might as well have killed me herself,” Angel snapped back when she knew she was safe. The words make Leo shake with anger and disgust.

“It was an accident,” Leo snapped back. “You never cared about her, did you?” Angel’s eyes softened slightly.

“I did. But she threw it all back in my face,” she said. “Now she’s trying to make it up to me, and you should respect that.”

“Please, just respect this,” N said, a hint of a tremble in his voice. Leo went slack in shock over N joining in, but he should have expected it given his behavior. He’d been keeping him away from Angel since he’d op They stumbled backwards a few steps before Leo regained himself. He shoved N with every bit of strength he had, causing N to stumble back. Leo met his gaze, glaring daggers.

“Selfish bastard,” Leo spat before turning around to leave. He couldn’t take anymore of this. He slammed the apartment door behind him as he left and barreled down the stairs.

It wasn’t until he was a few blocks away that he ducked into an alley and collapsed to his knees. He struck his fists against his thighs over and over as tears welled in his eyes. Too much was washing over him at once. His anger, his grief, it was too overwhelming. He’d thought he’d finally made some progress with N after he’d been separated from Angel’s spirit, but it seemed like her hold was even tighter now. Leo should have known–should have pieced everything together earlier. He knew he needed to pick himself up and get back to the psychic shop, but he couldn’t bring himself to move, couldn’t stop the tears. He wanted a fix _so bad_ , something to numb him just enough so he could get Aqua back, but he couldn’t even bring himself to move.

The alley darkened as the sun completely set, the only light spilling in from the street light a few feet from the edge of the alley. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but the tears eventually stopped and his anger subsided enough for him to be able to think straight. He couldn’t keep trying to do this alone. He was too unstable to do this without hurting himself in the process, and he knew Aqua wouldn’t want him hurt. Aqua was in serious danger, and he was too if he underestimated the demon’s strength.

He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his contacts until he found the name he wanted–Ravi, a real clairvoyant. He hit dial and lifted the phone to his ear, counting the rings impatiently.

“ _Leo?_ ” Ravi’s voice crackled over the line, deeper than Leo remembered. “ _I had a feeling I’d get a call from you. What’s up?_ ”

“I need your help,” Leo said, hating the way his voice trembled.

“ _Are you okay? What happened?_ ” Ravi asked, his tone deeply concerned.

“Aqua–” Leo started, but broke off, the words hard to say. “Aqua made a deal with a demon.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Ravi cursed, something rustling on the other side.

“It has her soul.”

“ _Don’t do anything stupid–I’m coming, okay? I’m taking the next train to your town. I’ll be there in an hour or two. Are you home?”_ Ravi said, rustling and zipper sounds in the background.

“No,” Leo croaked out.

“ _Go **home** , I’ll meet you there.”_

“It’s almost been a day–”

“ _Don’t even think about confronting that demon alone. Go home. We’ll get her back, Leo_ , _”_ Ravi asserted. “ _I’ll be there soon_.”


End file.
